In the American television series The Office, there’s a terrific quote from the character Andy Bernard (played by Ed Helms): “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.” As a parent, I wish there was a way to know you’re making the right call in the moment. But sadly, that’s nearly impossible. No one is right there telling you how it will work out. Additionally, every child is so different that what worked for one won’t necessarily work for the next.
While there is no water tight way to know you’re doing OK, I do believe there are some signs you can look for. As a dad of four young adults, I’d love to offer some words of encouragement for dads of teens wondering, “How do I know I’m doing a good job when I can’t see the results of my choices yet?” Here are 5 signs you might be doing OK as a teen’s dad.
1. Your teen is mad at you.
Now certainly this isn’t a guarantee. Your teen might be mad at you because you’re a jerk, or you work too many hours and have missed too many important events, or you don’t treat your wife well. But one reason also might be you are parenting him. Maybe you’ve said “no” to going to that party or you’ve required him to get a job or some other act that he finds completely unreasonable but you know is good. Teens don’t know what’s best for them, and they probably have friends whose parents don’t make them do anything they don’t want to do. So any boundaries at all might make them angry. That’s OK. You don’t want him mad at you constantly. But if he’s mad at you once in a while, you might be doing OK.
2. She asks you for help.
Teens can be kind of standoffish with their parents (an understatement, I know). So if every once in a while your teen says, “Dad, would you give me a hand?” or “I’ve got a question,” it’s a big deal. Asking for help communicates vulnerability, trust, and emotional safety. You’ve done something to teach her that asking for help is good and she can trust that you care for her and will do what you can to help her. That may not sound like much, but it’s huge and not as common as you might think. If she asks you for help, be encouraged—you’re doing something right.
3. You ask for help.
Also a big deal that isn’t as common as you might think is asking for help yourself. When you hit a bump in the parenting road and don’t know the right thing to do, what do you do? Do you just trust your gut? Do you fearfully withdraw? Or do you ask for help? Every parent realizes at some point he doesn’t know what he’s doing. The brave ones ask for help. Whether it’s as simple as reading parenting advice (like you’re doing now) or asking your own parents, or others you trust, asking for help is a sure sign that you want to learn and lead your kids well. As the proverb says, “victory is won through many advisors.”
4. You apologize for a mistake you made.
Have you ever yelled at your teen and then regretted it? Or maybe you reflexively responded in anger to something, and later you felt like you misunderstood or overreacted. Whatever example you want to use, you know the feeling. You recognize you’ve made a big mistake in your parenting. So what do you do? Ignore it out of a desire that your teen thinks you make all the right decisions (spoiler—he never thought that)? Double down because you hate being wrong and don’t want to give him the satisfaction? Or do you humbly admit you made a mistake and ask for forgiveness? One of the best words of encouragement for dads of teens I can give is that we all make mistakes, but if you are owning them, those mistakes might turn out to be blessings.
5. You want to yell, but you don’t.
Let’s face it—teens can be selfish, insensitive, and, sometimes, just plain jerks. And since they’ve been around us for at least 13 years, they’ve learned some of our buttons. It can be really easy to lose it every once in a while. And if you have, see point 4. You can recover from that. But in those moments when you have chosen not to, where you control your emotions and choose not to raise your voice or clench your fist but instead take a breath, take a walk, or take a moment, you’ve chosen wisely. And choosing to bring the under-control version of yourself to this particular parenting moment is a huge gift to your family and communicates love to your teen, even if he doesn’t quite understand that yet.
Nice work, Dad.
Sound off: What other words of encouragement for dads of teens might you share?
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What’s the best thing I can do to help you when you’re mad?”