I was a strong-willed, passionate 18-year-old when I met my wife. While she and I dated, I met her ex-boyfriend once in public. He had been emotionally unavailable in their relationship, and I knew that about him. He also knew of me, because my wife and I started dating right after they broke up. So when we crossed paths, with a little hesitation, my wife introduced us. To make her feel small, he dismissed me, pretending not to know my name. But I shook his hand firmly and stated loudly, “It’s Frank.” Turning away with an inflated ego, I told my then-future wife, “Oh, he remembers my name. That guy has nightmares about me.”
I can see now how emotionally charged I was and how I probably could have handled it differently. But I wasn’t going to let him make her feel that way again. To my surprise, my wife found my confidence attractive. She felt like I was standing up for her in a way she hadn’t experienced with her ex. While we grew as a couple, though, I realized standing up to ex-boyfriends is only the surface level of marital security. I needed to go deeper. You can learn how to make your wife feel safe and secure with you no matter what. Here are 3 ways to be a secure base for your wife.
1. Be available.
True availability goes beyond simply being in the same room. It’s about creating quality connections in the everyday moments. Put down your phone or other distractions when your wife is speaking with you. When she shares her day, turn off the television and put the phone down. Don’t allow your kids to distract you when you’re bonding with your wife. Show her that this moment is important to you and her words matter deeply to you. These small gestures send a powerful message.
Emotional availability is a two-way street, so notice when she seems quiet and ask her why. Remember to check in during her stressful workday. Consider setting aside dedicated time each day, even if it’s just 15 minutes, for uninterrupted conversation. This sacred space allows for deeper connection and shows your commitment to being emotionally present.
2. Be dependable.
Being dependable is not just about following through on the small promises (“I’ll pick up milk on the way home!”) and the bigger commitments (“I’ll support you if you decide to go back to school.”). It means being consistent in your reactions and responses. When your wife shares vulnerabilities or concerns, she needs to know she can predict your response—not with fear, but with confidence that you’ll listen without judgment and respond with care.
Dependability also means being proactive. Don’t wait for your wife to ask for help repeatedly. Notice what needs to be done and take initiative. This shows that you’re not just reliable when asked, but that you’re actively engaged in supporting your shared life.
3. Be supportive.
Support in marriage means creating a space where your wife feels heard and validated. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything, but it does mean approaching her thoughts and feelings with respect and understanding. When she shares concerns, resist the urge to immediately solve the problem or dismiss her feelings. I know as husbands and fathers, we are problem solvers, but we must remember that so are wives and mothers. Know how to emotionally support your wife rather than provide constant solutions.
Support her dreams and aspirations, even if they seem unclear or challenging. Be her cheerleader when she’s doubtful, her sounding board when she’s planning, and her safe harbor when she needs to rest. Remember that supporting her doesn’t mean taking over; it means standing beside her as she navigates her own path.
Sound off: Do you know how to make your wife feel safe and secure? Share what works in your marriage.
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “What are some things that make you feel safe?”