If someone had asked you before you got married if you wanted your future spouse to be fun, what would you have said? For most of us, the quick answer would have been “Yes!” For Nancie and me, it would have been a big “YES!” And despite our moments of awful in the first few years of our marriage, we had some moments of awesome that often involved fun. We would go to the beach, usually on Saturdays, which we loved, because it was not only beautiful and relaxing, but it was free.
In the beginning of our marriage, I was fun. She was fun. We made time for fun. Today, I am still fun. She is still fun. We still make time for fun. And I don’t say that to boast or make you feel bad if you are not having fun in your marriage. I say it because fun is much of what makes my marriage to Nancie not perfect but rich and solid. I say it because I want every married couple to make time for fun, because it matters much more than many of us realize. Fun in our marriage can be difficult, because there are so many hurdles to having fun. Here are 5 barriers to fun in your marriage.
1. Busyness
Let’s state the obvious: Most of us are too busy. Our lives are filled with have-tos. Think about how many times you start sentences with, “I have to _____.”
“I have to pick up my kid from soccer practice.”
“I have to get ready for tomorrow’s meeting.”
“I have to take my mom to the doctor.”
“I have to do the laundry.”
We can get so busy that we don’t even think about fun. And even if we do think about it, we typically don’t toy with the idea long enough to actually do anything about it. There are just so many things we have to do.
Pro-Tip: Slowing down makes marriage more fun. Schedule time to dialogue, date, and depart.
2. Seriousness
Married people can be some seriously serious people. And why shouldn’t we be serious? We have mortgages, jobs, kids, aging parents, chores, etc., etc., etc. We become serious because we have seriously important people and things in our lives. There are people depending on us. And while these things are obviously of great importance, they can also begin to take the life out of us.
Pro-Tip: Think back to a time when you and your wife did something fun. Was it a movie marathon? Mini golf? Surprise her by recreating that moment, just because you can.
3. Children
If you’re a parent, you love your kids. Oh, how we love them. So we put them first. But let’s be honest—kids can take a toll our marriages. Kids are marital suckerfish. It is so easy to center our lives on their needs, wants, and activities. So we put off our own fun until later. We tell ourselves once the kids are older or out of the house, then we will take time for the two of us. Then the kids move out, and we look across the table at our spouse and think, “Who are you?”
Pro-Tip: Set a fair bedtime for your kids, and don’t budge on it. It may feel like punishment to them, but it’s really about taking the evenings with your wife back and creating opportunities for fun.
4. Exhaustion
Sometimes, we don’t make time for fun as a couple because we are simply too tired. We are too exhausted to be fun people. Even if we do make time for fun, we are not sure we could have any, because we are so drained. With everything else going on in our world, it is easy to feel like we don’t have the energy or words to have fun.
Pro-Tip: Analyze your lifestyle. Our habits often contribute to feeling tired. Eat healthier food. Exercise regularly. Taking care of yourself will help you find the energy to have marriage fun with your wife.
5. Uncertainty
Some of us are unsure what fun even means anymore. We wonder, “What if I try to be funny around the house and I’m not funny? What if we go out and it’s not fun? What if I was never funny? What if we have become one of those couples in restaurants who say nothing and do nothing except look at their phones? What if we start talking about something other than work and the kids and we realize we have nothing in common, no ability to communicate? What if we realize we have some serious issues? Shouldn’t we just leave well enough alone?”
Pro-Tip: Try our conversation starters, or tried and true activities like board games. Start small.
Sound off: What steps could you take today to pump some fun into your marriage?
For a deeper discussion about this subject, check out this All Pro Dad podcast episode.
Huddle up with your kids and ask, “Is it a good idea to be busy all the time? Why or why not?”